My main cause of friction with coworkers was due them not meeting my bar for quality. On document reviews I highlighted all areas for reconsideration, only to be met with cherry picked acks. So I pursued owners on rest of the items. Similarly on code reviews I would not approve until concerns are addressed. I’d push for my favorite and try to convince why alternatives are not good.
But people did not get convinced so their actions spoke of rejection. And when I pushed harder it only made it worse as they would barricade further and resent me more.
You probably faced a similar situation. No matter what and how you’d suggest a person would not follow recommendation.
It’s not the other side at fault. You and I would do the same in their place. As this is our default behavior on taking uncomfortable input.
We unconsciously don’t want to change our opinions. We bias towards confirmation of our thoughts and ignore discomforting input. It’s because our [ego, experience, priorities, information, goals, mindset, fears, hopes, knowledge, opinion for other person, …] all strongly suggest options do or do not make sense. And we trust ourselves more than the opposing side.
Exceptions are rare
- You realize you have a gap. Or you want to learn. Mind is open to input and is looking for ways to improve. Experience and ego is put to the side to make space for experiment and validation of discomforting approaches.
- You are forced to adjust as alternatives are worse. Power dynamics are at play - like your manager strongly suggesting to take action. Or (exaggerated) life or death scenario. You will follow, but will not lead to long lasting change if you don’t agree with input and result.
As the mounting failures kept stacking, weighting on my shoulders, forming cracks under the floor below them, I little by little started to realize this human peculiarity. The gap was acknowledged, I adjusted my behavior, and frictions disappeared.
The new way I now follow is:
- Do not force my opinion on people’s throats, instead
- Give suggestions and explain experience behind it
- Let the person make decision as owner, and accept it might not be my way
- Allow person to fail and learn from decision on his own
- Stop every form of “I told you so” and pointing fingers
- Refer to a process if a path is required which is not likable. If there’s no process create one and get commitment to follow it
The challenge is still how to convince people, but the focus now is to do it in a friendly and compassionate way. [1] is full of advice on the subject.
I liked this quote as it sums it all nicely - “You can’t change a man, you can only help him find it in himself”
[1] How to Win Friends and Influence People